Rosebud Glowing

I swallowed a handful of frostbitten butterflies to knot my stomach around itself to sympathize with the near headless Canadian goose. That's the wiring you find yourself in after too many sleepless days.

It was impossible, that's for sure. My heart felt ready to burst from betrayal. Work has been screwing me out of hours, and after waiting at the library until seven I went to the gym. I waited there, brooding and ready to make myself heard very clearly for the first time. Nobody showed up, so I went to the cafe and got some espresso shots, smoked a handful of cigarettes and felt ill with frustration. Kaitlyn and I talked since it was slow and she didn't have many customers. Turns out she's an English major, and that she's taking a film class with Prof. Spadoni. I went back to the gym, and Sarah was there. She handed me an email in reply to what I had sent the night before. She walked me into her office, and told me she was going to let me go. Yeah. Good luck with that. I went straight to the student employment office and met with a lady there who I showed the email to. She agreed fully that it was illegal what they were trying to pull, those slippery slabs. She told me to make sure I got copies of my time cards. I went out trembling a little, from anticipation and anxiety.

I called my uncle to vent a little, and he was as angry as I was. I'm glad he really does love me, even though we never really have had a relationship.

I went to the cafe and studied math and but mostly talked to Kaitlyn and Eileen. They're good folks, you can't complain. They helped me feel better; well talking to anybody was going to help. The clouds were low and swift below a painted white sky. The sun plowed through every now and then blistering the walls with a pale orange. Eventually I went to the park to smoke another handful, and sat next to the willow there. As I left I pressed my cheek against it, hoping for a balance. I walked past the dying goose. I went through the library, and then started walking back towards the gym. I called Garrett, and we talked about all this piss in the world. They were in a meeting, so I couldn't get my timecard yet. I went a took my math quiz. Walked briskly back to the gym, and got the timecard this time. I saw their offices for the first time, decked out in fine furniture and wall panels. Make or break your loose hams. I dropped off the timecard copies to student employment and then went to the library to read before film.

I walked into film class and saw Kaitlyn. We've had class together since the beginning of the semester and I never noticed her; I felt like a total idiot. She has a light amber tone that gives her a little fire, but talks meekly and innocently enough. We'll see.

After that I came home and drifted in and out of insanity until seven. I found myself watching Citizen Kane in the bottom of the library. I had always put off seeing it, and I'm glad I did. It was beyond brilliant, Charlie. We'll all love you for you, you Rosebud you. We were your statues, your collection, we were your world.

I've taken an ambien because it's long overdue. I need to sleep, I need to see that glowing dust.