Caveman Ideologies

It's hard for me to draw anything but a blank these days. A pause for three seconds and my train of thought derails. My eyes flicker and it's hard to focus on or control the boundaries of anything.

Today I didn't have to work until 4:00. I killed the morning and early afternoon. I practiced a song I've been fiddling with, it's better than the last one. They've all been a little bit better than the last one. It's been the one surprisingly constant progression out of my many endeavors and many less successes. I always get worse at things the more I practice, I can't explain it. But it's been one of the most discouraging aspects of bothering to try and learn a single thing.

I left in the early afternoon to deposit money in the bank for my dad, and then I wandered around a bit before deciding to kill the rest of the afternoon in the park. There were a lot of people at the park even though it was a Monday. But it was a warm and sunny Monday, something we haven't had in a week or two. I began to circle around the park because I couldn't find any place to sit and smoke my cigarette. On the other side of the lagoon a large Willow tree had one of it's three trunks sawed to it's hollow core. The core even had some bark twisted in a spiral from the outside so that it appeared to be facing the wrong direction - like a mouth that breathed from the lungs. I climbed the Willow and sat on it's lowest branch, but was still about 10 feet up. I smoked half a broken cigarette after dropping my last full cigarette while climbing. Eventually I climbed back down to retrieve it, but not before eating an apple and trying to tell myself I didn't want to smoke the cigarette then.

I lounged in the Willow tree for about an hour, then went to the library and retrieved my three books from my hiding place behind giant reference books for subjects nobody is likely to pander with. I started hiding them about a month ago, when I had a library fine that I didn't want to pay off. I've had to pay the fine down to $15.00 because my film class required I take out films only available in the library to view. I wish I had more freedom at the library with the materials they offer. All the interesting stuff seems to be missing, on reserve, or require assistance to even retrieve. I just want to get it myself and return it in two weeks. Or two months if my fines are any indication. I still can't withdraw books because I lost my student I.D. and am too cheap to buy a new one until it becomes an essential.

I read for half an hour and then stowed my books back and walked to work. Tessie talked to me for half an hour when I first got there, because she had taken the early bus and didn't have to work until five. I like that she will not stand for attitude of any sort, she's tough, and she'll survive well. Tessie talked about her cousin's baby shower, about a three year old who cussed and said she had a huge ass. Kids love to point out the truth, and the naughty ones love it when it hurts. It's because children haven't had time to adapt to society's morals. All things fair, they would all learn. We all would. Tessie also told me Lauren was badmouthing me. It's funny though, because it's always been the kids I do not talk to who despise me. I know my voice is nasal, annoying, and I try not to think about it. I suppose that's been my biggest disadvantage. They say voice determines more than 90% of an impression based on appearances. Body language the other 10%. I'm not terribly gifted in either. Finally, Tessie joked that her husband bought her a vibrator, after she gave him chocolates and something else more along the lines of an anniversary gift. At least I'm assuming it was an anniversary; at work too many words get lost. I just can't seem to hear people.

Work was too long, I worked forty-five minutes over schedule. Maybe it won't be too bad this week, since I probably won't have too many hours at the Cafe since Monday and Tuesday are campus holidays. Walking home from work I thought back to my theater class, about those exercises we did where we walked around the room as fast as we could trying to keep eye contact with one another. I thought about how I used to stare at strangers on campus to practice eye contact. There isn't anything wrong with it, but we don't seem to like it. Then I saw a girl in the middle of my hospital shortcut outside, sitting on a wall holding what looked like a rose wrapped in plastic. I stared at her, not feeling like I could bother to remove my gaze. She was a little plump, probably fat, but she noticed me staring and raised her left hand with flower in hand, almost a wave; I grinned. As I walked closer and passed by she said "Hello!" and I said back "Nice flower". Something like that at least. I'm a jack-ass like that, I have trouble moving conversations along. Even the briefest of encounters can't seem to be quite as brief as I'd like.

I arrived home around nine, and my dad got home a little bit after that. I didn't have any cigarette's to smoke tonight, and don't know if I'll buy any tomorrow. I gave up trying to sleep, partly because I was trying to edit a few more photos, and mostly because I suck at sleeping. I suck at trying to sleep, and I blow at even considering making the attempt.

I played guitar, talked to my dad about ideologies and their illogical nature. Processes of evolution both biological and social, the Caveman Diet, and why I'm wrong about future human evolution favoring the liars.

Not that I can be convinced matters beyond two minutes from now are even worth pondering. I haven't decided yet, but probably should. Maybe I'll wait a couple of minutes.

It's too late to get any sleep tonight, too late to get a full night of rest. I wish I could just sleep.