The sun rose and I opened all the shades, letting through the brightest light I've seen in a long time. It was bizarre when I got up after what seemed an endless dawn and just saw all the dust in the room flicker and pop everywhere I looked. Seeing stars, hallucinations from an Ambien that maybe got stuck between my mouth and my stomach. What a shame they didn't stay.
My manager at the cafe called around nine, asked me to come in a little earlier. This was exciting because my dad wanted to go to a park reserve near Pittsburgh, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. I took my first shower in probably too many days and left for work at ten, wearing too many clothes again. Smoked a cigarette and ate my apple, big and bruised. I cleaned the sinks at work, mopped the floor, and restocked cans of soda. Then I left. All that took an hour and a half. Pretty sure it wasn't worth it, but hopefully it gave my managers a good impression. Yeah.
I got home at noon expecting my dad to be waiting for me to leave, but he was still trying to figure out exactly which park near Pittsburgh we would go to. I'm not quite sure why he had his mind set on Pennsylvania, but he did. It was the first beautiful day in a week or two, and he wanted to make the most of his day off, first in a week or two. We ended up leaving around one, and boy does Pennsylvania seem dirtier than I remember. It looks like the country, but doesn't feel like it at all. Along the way we stopped by a farm that may have looked like one, but didn't feel like one at all. We bought a very large basket of some honey sweet good 'um no worms in here apples. Finally we got to the park. We ended up driving along unpaved roads and finally parked. It was cold and the sun was closing in on the hills fast. It was the silence pecked only by startled chipmunk shrieks that I found relaxing. A relaxing moment, even if it wasn't genuine, is what I have wanted for a while. But those don't last.
We walked along the past-peak foliage yellow beneath our feet, down in the gullies and along the hills. The dips between the hills were lined on one side with yellow old men, the other with ghosted grey arms waving in a smokey mist. I have some photos I will add tomorrow.
We drove to the other side of the park and up the top most hill, blinded by the sun too bright. Finally we drove down, down to the dammed up river, now a lake with a small rectangle beach and a lawn. Big and bushy.
I ended up driving most of the way home, the first time I've driven in a month, maybe more. And what a drive to shake you up, the winding roads and hidden craggle-ways of Pennsylvania's square side.
I saw some funny gas stations, a rainbow in the sun, and red skies under flourescence. Talked with my dad about my nihilistic leeching tendancies, and got a feeling too deep in my heart. Something too deep that I just want off. It was even colder tonight, and smoking my last cigarette of the day I talked to Chelsea. My black jacket and brown boots and grey cap leaked down the black rusted stairs. I tried calling Erika, but she still ain't around. Monster took a shit in the mudroom, that bitch.
The universe is either infinite and I will exist and not exist forever many times, or it's finite. I can't decide if that matters.
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