Dinners at Six

I went to California, smoked much herb, took much medicine, sought many cures. Spent many days thinking about writing about what I did. But like these plans I always have, such hopes never found fruition. I left the ninth, returned the sixteenth. Five weeks about. Not much to report.

Frog Fuck

Drank 40s with Garrett up on the ol'road Monday night. He had his girlfriend there, so it was mediocre. I scored some T-3s which I downed today. I went and saw Mike for a bit, then went up into the woods with him and my brother. My buzz was short lived, I should have saved all four for today, but when I'm drunk I can be impatient. It was an experiment after all. I only took 100mg of 5-htp today, after skipping my morning dose. I hung out with Garrett for a bit, and then went and visited Nicole with him. Me and Nicole aren't so fond of his girlfriend, and we told him so - which put him into silent mode. There is certainly some things I'll never get about him, and some things which'll never change about him. I'm taking an Ativan tonight before bed, because I'm feeling very anxious about leaving Friday. Who knows why.

like a tadpole
we all grow old

we sprout our adult legs
and cut off our kid tails

learn to jump ahead in life
forget how to swim

we take each new limb
try to forget old strife
search for a new wife
to lay new eggs
in whatever
goddamn puddle
we please

because whether by crane
or crow
man or
machine
our last croak comes
whenever it may goddamn
please

Silent Days, Under the Silent Sun

Nothing new to report. I take 200mg of 5-htp a day, occasionally ingest some herbs, etc. I saw Nate the past two days in a row, as well as Joey last night. Today I felt rather edgy, felt filled with stale thoughts. Stayed to myself mostly, felt like old times. Mouth tight, words sparse, thoughts futile. Smoked three cigarettes today. I bought a pack of Parliament Menthol 100s, for the first time since I started buying cigarettes. Hm. I leave in less than a week for LA, and I feel apprehensive, because I don't feel ready to go. I don't feel ready for anything. Took an Ativan today as I felt about to brim over. What a lousy day.

reality is a wide web
cast over the world
from our eyes the threads fling
sticking to all
that we think
we see

some of us are stuck
to strong threads
some of us tear
through the thin
ones

it's a trap for us all
each fuck shoots a few more
each death casts an
unbreakable pillar

our web orbits a
silent sun, too far away
to burn the webs
we've wove

here we all breath
suck, and eat
on our silently
webbed world,
prey perched in
cocoons, ready
for the feast

who
will digest me
when my final
pillar
is spun?

Neck Brew

I woke up earlyish today, still have not called Marilyn back. Ate some food, took a total of 200mg 5-htp. The wind brewed the day, and I plucked around the garden for a bit. Smoked some herbs yesterday, and also a little today around noon. Played some guitar. Felt somewhat edgy during midday. Maybe pressure breaks my thread legs. Smoked two cigarettes with Garrett, whilst he necked some freshman produce. I have a cigarette saved for tomorrow morning. We're supposed to hang out with Nate and Joey tomorrow night, which would be a nice way to say hello to my last weekend here for a while. I only have a week til I leave, and I'm sorry I have to leave the garden. I hope things take care of themselves.

spin for their sake,
the trees dancing at midnight
pining to fly from their roots

One-Way Back

Bought a one-way ticket to LA today, I leave in two weeks. My journaling hiatus should hopefully come back to normal levels now, my absence of chronicles was due to smoky weather. I popped an Ativan with a beer today, and took a bath. I smoked too many cigarettes - this always happens. I still have not called Marilyn back, and still have not received a confirmation of withdrawal from my university. We have had record breaking heat the past week or so, and so much sunshine seems to have done me somewhat well. I am now taking 100mg doses of 5-htp twice a day, once in the morning, one before bed. I still sleep on the couch however, and still need to learn to count my days, my ways, try not to belay so deep into the conclaves of my head.

below the planet
of the apes, i found a dream of mine behind
irradiated rust
in a goldmine of
toxic lusts

the dream had formed
a congregation of
worship, mutated, and mute

they used my dream
to mutilate me, or so
they hoped

but beneath their slick skins
blood still congealed for
teeth to sink into

a lions tail flared
and i fought not to be
pushed into the light
at the end
of the dream

waking i wonder
if this is a dream
i have yet to encounter
or a mirror
facing back

Full, Frisbee

Yesterday I had some eggs for breakfast and took my 5-htp. I had woken up late, around eleven or so, and went and hung out with Mike for a bit. I helped my mum garden a bit, I also planted some seeds. We dug up some weeds, and put some soil and mulch down. For dinner I had made a pizza, and hung out with Garrett for a bit. I went out with him and Jordan to pick up my brother's friend, Mike, from his ex-girlfriend's house. We stopped by Garrett's grandmother's house for a family gathering, it was her birthday. I came home and finished making my pizza. Me and Garrett ended up going out and hanging out with Joe and Nate, we played some frisbee and got some food - vegan pizza and ill-cupcakes and milkshakes. I also smoked some herbs, and had quite an enjoyable evening. This morning I woke up around nine, though feeling a little sluggish.

Lazy by Accord

Up around eleven, I had some leftover 'pizza' for brunch and took my 5-htp. I ate the last of some spice and cheese bread with some hummus and sprouts and cheese, and went and hung out with Mike for most of the day. We went into the woods and I smoked a cigarette. Came down and hung around, I ate some more leftover 'pizza' and took another 5-htp. We went back to his house and hung out until my mum called and I went home. I ate the last of the 'pizza' for dinner and took my evening 5-htp, then went for a hike with my mum in the woods before it became too dark. I smoked two cigarettes in the evening, and only have a handful left. My mum had my phone all day, and it turns out I missed a call early in the morning from non-other than Marilyn. She left a sweet message, and it is funny because I have been thinking much about her and Tiffany. I keep telling myself when I feel just right I will write to them - I wanted to maybe send them each a dinosaur postcard. It is going on two months, tomorrow will have been two months since I was admitted to the ward. What a tumble weed this season has been. By any accord, lazy days lay ahead. Next month I will probably go to California and visit some relatives, we'll see.