Was exhausted when I woke up today. The later morning air was hot, so I didn't walk through the woods like I had wanted. I bought food for my monster, but saw my car was bleeding fluids out the gazooey. The smoke shop stopped selling what I was looking for last year. Was nearly late to the relay center, but I started taking live calls for the first time today. Came home very tired. Couldn't be more uninspired.
Supposedly was invited to watch a movie, smoke a hookah. No thanks. It's not for me...
It's difficult thinking about others - I forget what I think myself. I replace myself with their thoughts and my imagined intentions for them. That's pretty crazy, but life is numb tonight.
I think I should make a list.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
tearful machines
Once the calender begins to flip, the days start their roll. It has been a while since I last updated. But what is being updated? This record of me? It was supposed to be a record for myself - so that I would gain some perspective on myself over time. I am attempting to enter the grind again. Keep-busy classes, a keep-busy job, a keep-busy life... as if life's point were to keep life's mind off itself. As if science were the language, waiting to be philosophized by whoever in the future has time for it.
Family meetings failed to improve our family's lot, however it did create a sense of family in the end. And this is close to the end of that euphemism. How funny that we use the words of others to trap them.
I'm never as surprised as I should be to discover my heart still beating. You hear every beat, know that it is a zen-song of death. A clock winding itself back to its beginning. Humans can talk of how if death is the beginning, you were born at its end.
Oh how malleable my mind is, so easily influenced by surrounding thoughts. Garrett you could be redeemed in my eyes if only you would stop blowing sand in my face. And that's how it goes, so it goes. Mike, you will never stop playing the games, just as I will never stop pushing perception's frame.
My dad may be moving here soon. If that happens, wow it has been a long time coming. Where will it all be going...
Chelsea so bitter... it's because she isn't free. Drug addicted parents? At least you have your sisters to give you solace, though maybe you'd be free without their enabling. It is hardest to be free of family - love's harmonized bite.
Love an enabling drug
the hypnotizing elixir
a sedating reward
it inhabits the present
a gift and a curse
without which we dissolve
into the cell
of zen
Today is now sunday. I am between my two weeks of training. Between semesters at school. I'm trying to be a farmer and a scholar, but I'm mostly just a lover and a hater.
It is difficult to accept that we are sex-machines. That our brains, these fantastic decrypt-ors of reality, have evolved perfectly to drive us towards one thing - sex. Everything which comes between is merely a meander among the interlocking choices we take as we attempt to be chosen by our future prodigal children. The choices we make are for them.
I wish I could cry right now, tears are always so calming, the meditative sobs so seducing...
Predators was pretty good. The chevy not so much. Robert's jab at credits. Cooler nights at last...
Family meetings failed to improve our family's lot, however it did create a sense of family in the end. And this is close to the end of that euphemism. How funny that we use the words of others to trap them.
I'm never as surprised as I should be to discover my heart still beating. You hear every beat, know that it is a zen-song of death. A clock winding itself back to its beginning. Humans can talk of how if death is the beginning, you were born at its end.
Oh how malleable my mind is, so easily influenced by surrounding thoughts. Garrett you could be redeemed in my eyes if only you would stop blowing sand in my face. And that's how it goes, so it goes. Mike, you will never stop playing the games, just as I will never stop pushing perception's frame.
My dad may be moving here soon. If that happens, wow it has been a long time coming. Where will it all be going...
Chelsea so bitter... it's because she isn't free. Drug addicted parents? At least you have your sisters to give you solace, though maybe you'd be free without their enabling. It is hardest to be free of family - love's harmonized bite.
Love an enabling drug
the hypnotizing elixir
a sedating reward
it inhabits the present
a gift and a curse
without which we dissolve
into the cell
of zen
Today is now sunday. I am between my two weeks of training. Between semesters at school. I'm trying to be a farmer and a scholar, but I'm mostly just a lover and a hater.
It is difficult to accept that we are sex-machines. That our brains, these fantastic decrypt-ors of reality, have evolved perfectly to drive us towards one thing - sex. Everything which comes between is merely a meander among the interlocking choices we take as we attempt to be chosen by our future prodigal children. The choices we make are for them.
I wish I could cry right now, tears are always so calming, the meditative sobs so seducing...
Predators was pretty good. The chevy not so much. Robert's jab at credits. Cooler nights at last...
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