One-Way Back

Bought a one-way ticket to LA today, I leave in two weeks. My journaling hiatus should hopefully come back to normal levels now, my absence of chronicles was due to smoky weather. I popped an Ativan with a beer today, and took a bath. I smoked too many cigarettes - this always happens. I still have not called Marilyn back, and still have not received a confirmation of withdrawal from my university. We have had record breaking heat the past week or so, and so much sunshine seems to have done me somewhat well. I am now taking 100mg doses of 5-htp twice a day, once in the morning, one before bed. I still sleep on the couch however, and still need to learn to count my days, my ways, try not to belay so deep into the conclaves of my head.

below the planet
of the apes, i found a dream of mine behind
irradiated rust
in a goldmine of
toxic lusts

the dream had formed
a congregation of
worship, mutated, and mute

they used my dream
to mutilate me, or so
they hoped

but beneath their slick skins
blood still congealed for
teeth to sink into

a lions tail flared
and i fought not to be
pushed into the light
at the end
of the dream

waking i wonder
if this is a dream
i have yet to encounter
or a mirror
facing back

Full, Frisbee

Yesterday I had some eggs for breakfast and took my 5-htp. I had woken up late, around eleven or so, and went and hung out with Mike for a bit. I helped my mum garden a bit, I also planted some seeds. We dug up some weeds, and put some soil and mulch down. For dinner I had made a pizza, and hung out with Garrett for a bit. I went out with him and Jordan to pick up my brother's friend, Mike, from his ex-girlfriend's house. We stopped by Garrett's grandmother's house for a family gathering, it was her birthday. I came home and finished making my pizza. Me and Garrett ended up going out and hanging out with Joe and Nate, we played some frisbee and got some food - vegan pizza and ill-cupcakes and milkshakes. I also smoked some herbs, and had quite an enjoyable evening. This morning I woke up around nine, though feeling a little sluggish.

Lazy by Accord

Up around eleven, I had some leftover 'pizza' for brunch and took my 5-htp. I ate the last of some spice and cheese bread with some hummus and sprouts and cheese, and went and hung out with Mike for most of the day. We went into the woods and I smoked a cigarette. Came down and hung around, I ate some more leftover 'pizza' and took another 5-htp. We went back to his house and hung out until my mum called and I went home. I ate the last of the 'pizza' for dinner and took my evening 5-htp, then went for a hike with my mum in the woods before it became too dark. I smoked two cigarettes in the evening, and only have a handful left. My mum had my phone all day, and it turns out I missed a call early in the morning from non-other than Marilyn. She left a sweet message, and it is funny because I have been thinking much about her and Tiffany. I keep telling myself when I feel just right I will write to them - I wanted to maybe send them each a dinosaur postcard. It is going on two months, tomorrow will have been two months since I was admitted to the ward. What a tumble weed this season has been. By any accord, lazy days lay ahead. Next month I will probably go to California and visit some relatives, we'll see.

Unwoven Divides, Ducks

Tuesday came with much ado about nothing, and left with a lame duck in cloudy waters of a calm sea. I took a total of 250mg of 5-htp, before and after smoking some herbs. In a clouded yellow shed the valley reflected the sun's last gleaming. Pastel divides of my backyard adorned our kitchen's view, peach and blue, the entrance to a cavernous portrait. I hung out with Garrett for a bit, watched SLC Punk with him and ate a ham and cheese sandwich. When I finally felt like sleeping, I was restless and had a little bit of a headache, probably a blood-sugar spike. I smoked some herbs outside my door and went to sleep listening to the internet radio.

Before, between, and after cigarettes afoul my mouth.

Today I woke up late as usual, my sleep still consuming nearly eleven hours. What do I do in all this sleep. My brother was very busy completing last-minute college work, while I lackadaisically romped into the day. A very hot bubble bath and some brunch later I hung out with Mike. We went into the woods for a bit, examining the contents of rancid soda bottles.

I helped my mum empty some top soil bags, and examined the prospects of a garden. It is tax day, so I filed all my taxes, and should be getting $365 back, a dollar for every day of the year. I had four 5-htp today, one before bed. Colors of the dusk's duet were somewhat duller, though keenly as radiant. It was a trash night, tomorrow is trash day.

among the orders in life
disorder is woven
a fabric of duality
sometimes a french duck

sewn at the seams webbed feet
traverse constricting threads, what seem
death defying, can fly
lamely

the patches of our species
bleed for these threads
squeezed for many
coated feces
dyed patterns
deemed grand

a year among twenty spent
inspecting this fabric of patches
says,

"my grandmother's wool blanket
of yarn
strung from streams of thread
from urns
balances not on the edges
of life
but in the rivers
of semblance
unnoticed courses among
mundanity
between the patches
comfort can be concluded"

Small Days for the Small

Had three 5-htp today, after a light easter-bread breakfast, at a rice vegetable-medley dinner, and before bed around eleven. I pulled some grass from the garden, and hung out with Mike for a bit. I went into the woods and smoked a cigarette, thought about filing my taxes. Will do tomorrow. Smoked a cigarette before bed, churned the fire for the evening. It has been very sunny the last few days. Small days for small stuff.

small people are not
so feeble
they get eyes of marble
and brains just as able
need a little less
to keep their best
and often fit in regardless
because small people
might be best

Old Furnaces, Fiery Habits

Our marathon of Easter at church is finally come to an end, and I go to bed tonight not taking an Ativan. I have been feeling impatient with a slurry of gluttony and sloth; I am gluttonous with my time, and slothful with the duties of a recoveree. I stay up too late, and wake up too late - though I am always trying to be on time. You can't take your time with things, that's the lesson to be learned. I read some of my old blogs, and noticed that my words had more diversity to them, my language was more creative. This is an odd observation to me.

I took two hydros the other night, and fell asleep in a cozy bed of poppies. Saturday night I bought a pack of cigarettes with Garrett, unfiltered. He really is very bad for my health, I'm getting the feeling. I'm getting prepared for a holiday.

On Saturday I went for a bike ride with Erika and Nicole, though it became very chilly towards the end of the ride. We rode out to the horse farm, and Nicole had a fit of euphoria every time she encountered a new animal. I wish I could have such fits whenever I encountered other people. Any thing, really. A note, a petal, a cheek, a tire. Only slants of light in red, orange, or blue can churn a ripple in my veins. And they must be striped with shadows, casting and never lasting long enough to capture permanently. Too brief to be anything more than short term. As brief as an eclipse during birth.

I woke up around ten today, took a 5-htp and an Ativan and went to church. Easter service saw the pews filled. I played on the organ a little bit, it was successful in capturing my attention from awkward exchanges with relative strangers, relative family. It's always seemed relative to how I feel, which is sick if I think about it too much. I smoked two cigarettes today, this isn't good and I don't like this old habit.

Back from church I ate something and took another 5-htp. I hung around the house for most of the day, talked with my mum a bit and kept the fire going. Our furnace is broken, and we are having especially chilly nights, so the space heaters and fireplace heat our very large house. 'Heat' is an inappropriate term really. I took a 5-htp with dinner, and before bed I take another. I do hope I do not burn in the fiery furnace before this night is through.

Meditations for Suckas

Woke up late the past two days, around eleven or twelve. I've been taking 3 5-htps every day now, as well as an Ativan before bed. A beer with an Ativan make for an enjoyable perk to my day, but it will be unfortunate when I run out of them.

Today I went into the woods and played in the stream, I then had church for several hours in the evening. Everybody's feet were washed, and we have church again tomorrow night. Saturday night, Sunday too. I took an Ativan and drank a beer, took a bath. I ate a calzone I baked, because the dough wouldn't stretch right for a pizza.

Living in this junk heap of a town could make me a chain smoker, give me some real black lungs. But for that reason I don't buy cigarettes, I just wait. I'm waiting to leave again, because being here I've found no purpose, not any great satisfaction. Staying here, I feel I'm taking steps into the legs of my shadow, straying always from the better things, always from the sun. And there are times when I reach a wall, and am face to face with my shadow, and the gaze raises an unhappy heart from within.

Wrote a poem about great dreams, dark dreams, and our bizarre dreams.

A Dozen Donuts, Seven or Less

Woke up late today, ate poorly, took three 5-htps, and two Ativans before bed. Maybe tomorrow I will do more.

Wrote a poem about going to the grocery store.

Bottom of the Bottle, Pesto Eggs, Ativan Before Bed

Friday I took three 5-htp, ate, did nothing much; I drank the rest of my wine, skipped yoga, didn't feel like doing anything. I took an Ativan before bed, I wonder if I even fell asleep.

Today I woke up late, ate a pesto egg between rosemary bread, and took a 5-htp. I hung out with Mike, ate a sandwich for lunch. We watched Twilight, and it was as bad, as bad, it was as bad, as we thought, we thought, it, it might, it might, be, be, be. It snowed for much of the day, though none accumulated. I ate the rest of my pesto egg from this morning for dinner, between rosemary bread with sprouts and hummus. I took my 5-htp, and I took another Ativan. I have church tomorrow. I cancelled my counseling appointment for Monday because my insurance is lapsing into uncertain territory. I now have a couple thousand dollars in refund from my university, though it is a small fraction of what was sunk in. I need to try and pay off miniscule credit debts, which I've been too lazy to check.

Dorm Room Scripts, Spider

Drank too much wine, maybe ate too late. I had trouble falling asleep last night, but woke up very early. By about eight I was awake. I had a silver dollar pancake, and also some pesto pasta fried with an egg - I took a 5-htp. It was going to be a warm day, so I went outside and plucked weeds from the garden for a while. I took some photos too, of a spider in the garden, of green growing out of the dirt. While petting Monster I felt a bump, and with a pair of tweezers plucked a giant tick off her back. What the heck, cat.

We got our furnace fixed, on the cheap. I hung out with Mike for a bit, ate some pasta shells for lunch, and then went up to the woods to burn some reed tufts with a magnifying glass. There were insects which looked like ticks crawling all over, so we left sooner than later. I played some video games with Mike, and then went home and ate some dinner. We had homemade lo-mien, and a glass of wine. I got a call from Sharisa, so I went and met her up at the university. She's practically what I remember from two years ago. We met in front of the library, and then took a bus to her dorm. We talked for a while, while I tuned her guitar. Majors and life directions, habits and rituals. She wants to study script writing, which I didn't know the university offered. Not to an effective degree. Eventually we took the bus back to the main campus and visited her friend, hung out there for a while and had smoothies. I haven't had a smoothie since I left the gym. Finally we walked back to my car and I drove her to her dorm and dropped her off. I told her to give me a call sometime again.

I picked up a coffe at Burger King for my brother on the way back. I didn't fill up his gas tank though. I ate a little pesto pasta around nine thirty, and took another 5-htp. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.

Furnace and Wine

I went to bed later than expected last night, because I talked to Amanda for the first time in a long while. It seems she's made it a bit further in the search for life's futility than I, if there's anything fruitful in that search. I woke up late as a result, around eleven. I ate the last of the chili, mixed with some rice. I took a 5-htp, and ate a banana. I hung out with Mike until around three o'clock, then went home where my mum had made a fire. I made some noodle soup for lunch. Father Daniel wasn't coming over, instead we were going to meet him at the church. At church I took down a curtain, and picked up some trash outside. We ended up eating a late falafel lunch there, and left around six. Time sink.

Once home I went and hung out with Mike for a bit more, until I got a call from my brother asking me to go to the Hills with him. We bought some croissants, a loaf of French bread, and some donuts. At home we had some pastas for dinner with the bread, and all sat at the table together. My dad called and he said hello to us all. I drank some plum wine after dinner, and took another 5-htp. Our furnace isn't working, and so a furnace guy came over late and took a look. He thinks it might be broken, because he could smell CO when it tried to light. I'm sipping a glass of red wine, and am happy I can do so. It will be a cold night, and Monster will spend it outside since she won't come in. Tomorrow will be sunny and warm, I wonder what I should do.

Last year, today, was a very bad day. The culmination of a week of doubts, of lost hope, of stale work. It felt like the joke of the day was on me. The next day met my eyes with jubilation. I doubt such luck will befall me again. It's been a year of hoping; it's been a year of insanity.