Old Furnaces, Fiery Habits

Our marathon of Easter at church is finally come to an end, and I go to bed tonight not taking an Ativan. I have been feeling impatient with a slurry of gluttony and sloth; I am gluttonous with my time, and slothful with the duties of a recoveree. I stay up too late, and wake up too late - though I am always trying to be on time. You can't take your time with things, that's the lesson to be learned. I read some of my old blogs, and noticed that my words had more diversity to them, my language was more creative. This is an odd observation to me.

I took two hydros the other night, and fell asleep in a cozy bed of poppies. Saturday night I bought a pack of cigarettes with Garrett, unfiltered. He really is very bad for my health, I'm getting the feeling. I'm getting prepared for a holiday.

On Saturday I went for a bike ride with Erika and Nicole, though it became very chilly towards the end of the ride. We rode out to the horse farm, and Nicole had a fit of euphoria every time she encountered a new animal. I wish I could have such fits whenever I encountered other people. Any thing, really. A note, a petal, a cheek, a tire. Only slants of light in red, orange, or blue can churn a ripple in my veins. And they must be striped with shadows, casting and never lasting long enough to capture permanently. Too brief to be anything more than short term. As brief as an eclipse during birth.

I woke up around ten today, took a 5-htp and an Ativan and went to church. Easter service saw the pews filled. I played on the organ a little bit, it was successful in capturing my attention from awkward exchanges with relative strangers, relative family. It's always seemed relative to how I feel, which is sick if I think about it too much. I smoked two cigarettes today, this isn't good and I don't like this old habit.

Back from church I ate something and took another 5-htp. I hung around the house for most of the day, talked with my mum a bit and kept the fire going. Our furnace is broken, and we are having especially chilly nights, so the space heaters and fireplace heat our very large house. 'Heat' is an inappropriate term really. I took a 5-htp with dinner, and before bed I take another. I do hope I do not burn in the fiery furnace before this night is through.