If Necessary, Portraits

Rolled off the couch around nine today, I suppose I require nearly eleven hours of sleep. Doesn't make much sense. I ate an egg between rosemary bread, and cleaned a little. I took my last half Paxil, and am now out of daily medications. I'm also conveniently lapsing out of my mum's insurance, because my school still has not confirmed my withdrawal for the semester, thus even if I wished, I wouldn't be able to fill the prescriptions - cheaply. Hm. Around eleven thirty I ate a bowl of nuts with some chili, and took a 5-htp. I doodled around on the computer, and then went and hung out with Mike.

My brother came over, and we eventually left to help him out with a portrait project he had. I pulled periwinkle out of the front yard, and then we played with mirrors as he took portraits. He was trying to reflect the sunlight onto faces to light them better; we took a short trip to the dollar store to buy some reflective material, one of those shiny things you use to keep the sunlight out of your car. We took these up into the woods, where my brother said the light was better. I still don't really believe it. He said he wanted a background other than houses. I believe this. Once we got down I went with Mike to his house and played some video games. Eventually his sister came over with his nephews, and I left shortly after. My uncle was over, and I let him use my computer. He looked at some expensive shoes, MBTs. I took a bath, and then came down and had dinner. We had chili over rice, with nachos on the side. I also ate salad left over from last night. I took another 5-htp, ate a little carrot cake, and then a banana. I watched some NOVA with my mum, something about the extinction of most large North American mammals towards the end of the last ice age. I came down and talked to my dad a bit, then played some guitar. I tried taking some photos of the night sky, the moon has been smiling blindly at us - but there was a haze moving over the city. I go to bed without any Seroquel tonight, and will only be taking 5-htp from now on. I still have a handful of Ativans if necessary.

there come times when there's nothing
to write
like tanning in the moonlight
the page stays white
you're eyes cast no words, not one
bright
idea

in the midst of what they say is a life
altering event, you don't see
what they see
only
what they don't, not one
bright
ideal

i am content in illness
expecting, hoping but not admitting
forgetting

they call this crazy
only
what they don't see
i see

Easy Ways, Ohio

My counseling appointment was at ten thirty today, but I struggled to roll off the couch. drank some orange juice, took half a Paxil, and ate a banana. I ran out the door, racing to make it on time. I didn't really have anything to talk to Dr. S about, so I told him that I really don't care about anything. He told me you can't really have a conversation with a person who doesn't care about anything - I told him he was right. In the end he said I seem to be telling myself I don't care, or something like that. I think he's right, I have mostly told myself I don't care about many things - when I really did. Too late for that, I couldn't care less about it. At least it's easist to feel that way, easist to live that way. It's the easy way.

I got home, and ate some chili. I took my 5-htp early, before noon. I went over and played some video games with Mike, and looked at funny things on the internet. Subconscious Eminem, ahahahaha. I came home and buttered around the house. I made a salad to eat with chili for dinner, and took another 5-htp. I moved all my pastels from the windows of the sun room, and tacked them up to the wall. It doesn't look so great, but what do you expect from half-hearted, half-hour pastels. Nothing great. I thought about doing dishes, and considered it back and forth for fifteen minutes before finally calling it a night. I took half a Seroquel, and called my dad back. He didn't think I should go off the medication, but I told him that's what I was planning on doing. My mum came down later and said she thought I should refill the Paxil prescription. I don't know what medicine I will continue to take, there's no doctor that can listen and reason. I talked to India tonight - she left school mid-semester, now we've both left Ohio and are living back in the town we started in. Wonder what it could mean.

They've Got Forgotten Memories

Beautiful folk have a special way they walk, a special way they talk. That's why the world mostly isn't so special for the folk in it. From the outside it seems so especially beautiful. I don't remember any dreams from last night. I woke up around quarter to ten, and ate some baguette with mozzarella cheese, also a banana. I took half a Paxil as I got ready to go to church. I went to church and was asked to serve on the parish council. I was appointed sub-executive advisor to the committee. They've got me.

I ate a little at church, and when I got home I had a bagel with some cheese, hummus, lettuce, and peppers. I took my 5-htp. For more than a week I have been taking this, and I feel like a spacey version of myself. Unconcerned about the past, the present, and the future. Unconcerned about myself, and unconcerned about others. I cripple under attention, and under pressure. I feel like I am my middle-school self. Seventh grade, a little bit of ninth grade. It's a sarcastic, wretched immaturity. Full of nothing, full of himself.

I visited Mike and played some video games, then went home and went into the woods to collect the last of the maple sap. The timing of the rain always seems perfect, it always pours as soon as I reach the back of the house. Even this time, even when I paused for a minute at the reservoir, squatted and noticed the odd light of the afternoon. High blades of tan grass eclipsing the pine foliage behind. I found a tick climbing up my belly, and took and scalding bath to scald the bugs off. It's paranoia, insatiable obssessions.

I feel like an imaginary whisp moving through the fog. And as I folded laundry, Garrett came over. I could smell smoke on his breath. We went and visited Mike, and I played video games with Garrett for the night. For dinner I had some chili, the first meat I have eaten in a very long time. I am no longer a vegetarian, rather I am about to become the pickiest omnivore I've ever known. I took half a Seroquel, played some guitar - felt uninspired and then went to bed. Today was Gerardo's birthday, I wish I had known on my own. That's a good memory, the few people I knew in Cleveland - they were good memories. But I've got a feeling, I'm a simple forgotten memory, to most all people.

Ultimate Tick

I rolled off the couch around ten thirty today, took my half a Paxil and ate a banana. I put some groceries from the farmer's market away, then played some video games with Mike. Father Daniel called me a few times while I was there, and my dad as well. Choir practice was canceled, and the sound card wasn't installed. I ate a boca burger for lunch, and took my 5-htp. I went for a hike in the woods with Mike, and a loose dog came up and mauled us, with curiosity. I looked through the stream for salamanders, but found none. I went back over to Mike's and drank some cranberry, grapefruit, ice water. I played some more video games, and after finding two ticks crawling up my right arm, went home and took a bath.

Garrett asked me to go play frisbey with him. I said maybe. I went and played some more video games with Mike, and then Garrett came over and we went to meet Joe and his gang. We played until some kids left, and then everyone just talked for about half an hour. I made my first and the last score. I'm not sure it mattered. Garrett was funny about taking me home, I don't think he wanted to even though I said I needed to. It shouldn't matter why.

I didn't eat much today, very poorly in fact. I drank some orange juice, and took half a Seroquel. I hope there are no ticks tunneling into me tonight.

Friday, Carrots

Ate left over stir fry, mixed with nuts, for breakfast today. Took half a Paxil, and tested the temperature outside. Not warm, but not cold like it should be so early in the morning. Sky, sprinkled with ash. I watched some television with Mike. Our marathon is over.

I came home around two, ate lunch, took my 5-htp, and then began making a pineapple, carrot cake. I grated a bountiful two cups of wet carrots. Carrots are so surprisingly saturated. About twenty minutes before it was done, I realized I didn't have any cream-cheese, so I went to Right Aid to look for cream-cheese. Right Aid doesn't sell cream-cheese, so I went to the Hills and reluctantly bought their cream-cheese. A very old looking man, named Lester, was a bag boy at the checkout.

I came home, and made cream-cheese frosting for the cooling pineapple, carrot cake. I went back over and played some video games with Mike, before getting a call from my mum to go to yoga. We went to yoga, yo. Left yoga. I was excited to get outside into the fresh air, and while my mum hung around to talk to her yoga cohorts, I looked at the creek. A squirrel was overhead, and I could hear his crumbs falling to the ground, nearly onto me. He was eating the buds of the trees. Are buds that sweet? No nuts this time of year?

I got home, and made myself a noodle soup for dinner. My mum and brother had gone to buy some food for themselves for dinner, so I ate alone. While they were still gone, I frosted the carrot cake and decorated it with sprinkles. Yellow, red, silver, three hearts. They got home and we nibbled on a slice of the cake. My mum ended up going out to dinner with a friend. I went and played some more video games with Mike. I came home at eleven thirty, walked around the kitchen with the cake, not sure where to put it. Put it back where I found it. Pissed, brushed my teeth, took half a Seroquel.

Now it's Saturday.

Birthday Slivers

Orange is the smell of a storm, the colour of earth in the sky, of the sun in the rain. In the night you can taste orange, hearing the sky, hearing the rain.

It is a birthday tomorrow, and today I didn't think much about it. Flowers were delivered to her, cards were sent to her. She took a bath, and I shrugged most people off today.

I ate left over stir fry for breakfast, along with a little yogurt mixed with applesauce. I took my half a Paxil. At lunch I had some left over stir fry, a banana, and took my 5-htp. For dinner I ate some pasta, some salad, some bread.

Emily tried talking to me tonight, I told her I didn't think I wanted to talk to her. She listened. I feel there's more than a sliver of sadism in me. I did some dishes before bed, brushed my teeth, popped a new tone from my ear. I take my half Seroquel before bed.

As She Pleases

Falling asleep was difficult last night, rolling on my couch for more than an hour. Eventually I fell asleep, and the night was not eventful. I woke today around nine, made another breakfast burrito. I had eaten early, and I had time to butter before I took my half a Paxil. I drew a pastel of my uncle. Half an hour later I felt finished, and I took the crushed pill. Mike was up so I went over and watched some television. Before I left, however, my brother called - he thought I needed to go with him to his dentist appointment. Maybe I should have, but he was running late so he didn't have time to pick me up. Inside I really didn't want to go, but I called him back and told him to pick me up. He didn't have time. Secret relief.

Around one my mum called - she told me a nurse had called from the dentist telling her he had dry socket. I went home and took the car out to drop off his prescription for more medicine. He was working on a design project, and didn't have time. Later it turned out he didn't know he had dry socket - turned out he didn't know much of anything. I'm not sure why he has such trouble describing things; then again, maybe I have trouble myself. I went back over to Mike's and watched more television, brought some pizza, a banana, and took my 5-htp. Around five I went home and made a stir fry. Talked to my mum - she was tired. I ate dinner in the backyard, enjoying the fading warmth of the day, watching the fading blue and the streaking contrails. I let some music from inside seep through the window. Something about the living and the dead. Why not life and the deceased? I went back over to Mike's and watched Rambo. It was bloody, and the Korean died. I got home around ten. I couldn't find Monster, I had come home later than she likes. I took my half Seroquel, and then unloaded the dishwasher. I had left the back door open hoping Monster would come in as she pleases. On my last call I saw her glinting eyes, and she came down as she pleases. I miss my apartment, where I could hang out with her freely.