morning on the third day

Last night you made me so crazy. I was dizzy. I was standing still but all the world was turning. It felt like death was circling.

Now the sun has come up again to save me from my most mortal sin. Her amber glow amuses me, then at last abuses me. I see her mock our love. Can I make this into my mantra? This is my life after all. A story from mythology, and it makes me feel like I could be a marbled body. Sun, she rises. Sun, she sets. And from the twilight, where my two feet are firmly planted, I can see it all. My love, she rises. My love, she sets. For God is cruel, and that makes the Devil so kind.

But enough poetics. These are all just ideals I want to believe in. But I think it really might be signs of an addiction. I need to quit believing in love. I need to accept that maybe, just maybe... love is not so perfect. I joke about my faith... I need the world to be more than the sum of its parts. I want life to be imbued with purpose... with meaning from a higher power. I do know this. I still want to find out what love is all about. Not just any kind of love. I want to believe in the love I had for you. I want to believe in the undying, in the eternal, in love which never surrenders. I know my heart never will.

And I know that I am loved by many friends and family. In my heart I love them too, but there can never be enough time or room in life to share it with everyone who deserves it. All I can do is try to show it by being me.

Tonight I must remember just to write. There is solace here. And I love its sweet relief. But it is so tiny, I feel I have not fed it in years. All that time I was feeding myself to another... and what was born of all that love? She now says she is a glutton. Maybe one day she'll be born again.