the list goes on

I began my old handyman job this week. The days have been staggered with very little sleep, but it is a pleasant blur between working and talking, lots of driving and of course thinking. Deep thinking. Which responsibilities do I want? I want all of them these days, all of the time. I find such great satisfaction in fulfilling them... in exceeding them. I find myself so contented when I find ways to make someone smile... and even in the dark they all make me grin. Sometimes I even smile at myself.

Right now there is a room in the top of a barn that has a bed all made up and it is really there and it looks so cozy... I just hope I can find a way to make it cozy. The carpet is down, the hooks are hung, the nooks and the crannies are ready to be filled. I have hung my favorite notes from a tree next to the stairs to my room... I just hope that the wind will find them and carry them upon her back into sweet dreams.

There were sweet treats and just desserts for trivia night's victors. I paid my bet, and then some. It is the most fun with strangers I may have ever had. Even if they weren't all strangers, it still felt very new. But frightening. I think that's what made it so fun. Even if I am ad-libbing all the cues, it felt good and that may be all that matters to me now. It is good to be reminded of how it feels. To be noticed...

But it is difficult. Especially when you can notice pain.

Today I woke up after 3 hours of sleep. Chelsea woke me up so I could take them to the dealership to drop off their new car. I went to work, driving in loop-de-loops. I came back to the house and noticed an erie stillness to the house. They were brooding. Over the car? No. Money? No. Over each other? Maybe over themselves...

I can make them smile but I don't know what else I can do. I listen, but I don't dare assert my most private thoughts. They seem to have hardly helped me, and I cannot imagine them helping anybody else. But isn't that what best friends are for?

Top 5 Responsibilities of Best Friends:

1. If they lose a bet, you always help them pay.
2. When they need a sweet treat, you make them a baker's dozen.
3. They pull you out of ditches, when the dirt roads become ice roads.
4. In nice dreams and in nightmares, they are always near.
5. When they forget the rest of the list, you remember it for them.