stale appetites

Ate nothing but sugar today. Whoopie pies and kid's cereal and sweet buns, stomach aches and head aches and heart aches abound. Now I am just very stoned, and my thoughts are sparse. It was a grey day, but warm. Didn't, matter. I did not go outside. I was too tired. Last night I drank whatever I could get my hands on, and will probably soon finish off whatever I missed. It is the only thing that helps me numb the total rejection that I feel when trapped with someone who acts like a total stranger. And they are. I do not know who this person I am living with is. Neither does she. I am almost sure now that she is lost to me forever as a friend, let alone as a lover. But I have always known and accepted the impermanent. Still this death seems so premature. I wish it could have felt complete. Now is not a time for wishing though.

I am ready to give up trying to stay in Cabot for one more month. It is too hard to say goodbye, and it is too hard to go out and try to enjoy myself. It is just too late to try to make any good come of any of this. I do not have the energy to deal with this house, nor with the things in it, or the people living here now. My head is just so clouded, the thoughts are thick and I cannot think through them. It is just all doubt, regret, lost hope.

I try hoping for my future, but I abhor any vision I can muster. Any positive situation I could hope to find myself in seems so fake, so forced. I feel so inadequate. I only feel comfortable with visions of a transient life. Floating free from anywhere or any situation that would dare pin me down and dissect my motive. The selfish. The egotistical. The glut. The pessimist.

The other day Martha said something funny. Said she was glad to see me, that she could not stand to see or work with anybody else. She liked how I was always so cheerful and positive. If only I could fool anybody else, mostly myself. But then I would be such a fool. I feel I could self-immolate from the shame.

Tomorrow I need to pack. I want to be ready to leave by the end of the weekend. I need to be able to leave at a moments notice. God knows I hate to see them pass me by.

I still wonder whither shall I wander?