dull stars

I tried to go to sleep early tonight, but with my eyes shut my mind's eye opens. And it flickers through thoughts and scenes from my life's future, past, and present. But it is hope that must keep me awake. Escaping from the calm in the eye of the storm my ship now sails back into an ocean who is dark and the roar is swelling. The terrible waves are growing.

I am feeling manic. I have not slept well on this trip. Time is slipping by quickly. Deadlines and dates are coming up faster and the seasons are changing swiftly. Peepers are peeping, the ramps are tufting through winter's stale cocoon, fiddleheads are on schedules, the bees will be arriving the first of May, and I have not yet even planned my date with destiny. Although I hope she is very far away. I plan on going back to Cabot for the lat time and in two weeks returning to what I hope is a very quiet welcome home. I would like to be drowned in salt and sweat and to be consumed by responsibility. To what? It does not matter as long as it is to no end.

Today I woke up early. I planned on slipping out of the house unnoticed, but was caught whilst pouring coffee by Kevin and then by Chelsea. I could not resist their company, and although I was up at 7, I did not leave for Harvey's until 1. Breakfast, brunch, a walk and then a talk. Hugs goodbye, I will see you all, all too soon. Sped to the farm and dabbled in carpentry, caulk, and foam. I think the barn is ready for the three boys; I do not know that I will be able to keep great care of them, I can only try.

I made a carrot cake for my mom's birthday, and an apple upside down cake for her fiance's. There was no powdered sugar, so the frosting was a grand experiment with creamed honey. Sometime's it doesn't matter how badly you fuck up as long as you are so sweet.

A last list of present fears:

the red devil dying
bills and debt
rent
removing all traces in cabot
moving belongings
not getting bent
mom's colon cancer
balding
hepatitis
winter is coming
careers
planting season is here
presence unwelcome
and ontop of it all, the stars are going to be so dim. So dull. The clarity of my dream is fading. I will be part of no farm on no hill east of no green mountain beneath a sky filled with such diminished beauty and surrounded by so much noise and nature so tarnished. They are selling the hemlocks off by the foot. I am going to feel so far from what was my dream. Unfortunately it was my dream alone. No goats, no close neighbors, credit in the gutter, and no dear friend who would dare be intimate with me.

I need to sleep, tomorrow's loose ends and all the driving, eating, talking, and more driving. And always in a new and unfamiliar place. I just want a home.