my moon

you are the moon
casting bright shadows in my dreams
all the ringlets of your ecstasy
enchanting porcelain beams

wide eyed at the window
staring from the inside
i listen for the rising tides
to come eclipse this heart
who is basking in the memory

of golden days
dew soaked dawns
and smiles upon kisses
promises in tear
when i still had it so bad for you

but what will comfort me
when i find all our memories
are turned to dreams
like a quiet goodbye

the edge

"I have an idea" she said, 

"you can go for a walk,

 and when you come back..."

~

"I'll be gone."

long gone, lost in stranger arms

whilst you wander the withering

of our love's once lush leaves

and in the embers of calamity, 

my walk takes me past those things which test your sanity

vast valleys filled on the edge of immortality 

memories of she and i and her and you and me and we

then i walk over to the end,

and at the end there is the edge,

whose border traces along tomorrow's 

finely undetermined destiny

there i lay down and fall asleep and 

hope to dream 

to catch a glimpse and see

from beyond that line which while wide awake

guards against fools like me,

those who'd dream to take

when at last my eyes, relieved, reopen

i find myself deeply inside tomorrow, 

with the end and the edge far out of sight

all trace of you is gone

and so am i

loose

she is loose in a green dress for you
can't stop, won't stop, will never let the blows slow

daunting, her wild thrusts are taunting
the spirits from my bones, taking everything i've known

stones in the sea know the depths
and mountains can see the lengths

that a sorry heart must go
to find peace


It's cold tonight as the cold north wind blows through the crack in my window, each gust carrying my soul a little further. It's hard to stop shaking, when voices inside and out are deafening. And how uncanny the unwholesome hour seems to be. Especially in this state. I thought I'd escaped, but it's only seemed to have followed me here.

So it is, when the cream of your memories rise to the top.

When even yesterday turns into an illusion, what hope is there that the present, too, is not eternally ephemeral.

when my heart had eyes only for you

Are the weeks going by faster? There is still so much to do... the ramps are up, and they will be gone before I know it. This spring is such a sweet season... I wonder what summer will bring. 

After work today I sped back to second base to give chelvin a ride to the dealership so they could pick up their car. I stole some snacks from the lobby and a couple cups of coffee for the road. But before I knew it we were all at trivia night, at least all that made it. We were a good team, but we didn't make it. Still it was a lot of fun, and I was able to see Toole for the first time since landing back in town. It was funner still driving around with him and Max, and seeing my friends get along... 

It is nice to bring people together. Maybe that is why I like food so much... for laughter and for friends, for conversation and for memories. The scents, the smells, the sounds.

We went for coffee afterwards to console our defeat but not our defeated spirits. Melissa wasn't able to make it due to a toothache, and I was disappointed that I didn't get to say goodbye to her. Thoughts of her paced through my head since last we had seen each other, and our short rendezvous only made them pace faster. 

There was a weird incident across the street from the coffee house as we were about to head out. Something about a weird drunk korean, cognitive dissonance... But whatever. Let bygones be bygones, at the end of the night I went home a winner. My friends and family make sure of that... when I'm not able to. But sometimes people really ask for it, at least in retrospect. 

the list goes on

I began my old handyman job this week. The days have been staggered with very little sleep, but it is a pleasant blur between working and talking, lots of driving and of course thinking. Deep thinking. Which responsibilities do I want? I want all of them these days, all of the time. I find such great satisfaction in fulfilling them... in exceeding them. I find myself so contented when I find ways to make someone smile... and even in the dark they all make me grin. Sometimes I even smile at myself.

Right now there is a room in the top of a barn that has a bed all made up and it is really there and it looks so cozy... I just hope I can find a way to make it cozy. The carpet is down, the hooks are hung, the nooks and the crannies are ready to be filled. I have hung my favorite notes from a tree next to the stairs to my room... I just hope that the wind will find them and carry them upon her back into sweet dreams.

There were sweet treats and just desserts for trivia night's victors. I paid my bet, and then some. It is the most fun with strangers I may have ever had. Even if they weren't all strangers, it still felt very new. But frightening. I think that's what made it so fun. Even if I am ad-libbing all the cues, it felt good and that may be all that matters to me now. It is good to be reminded of how it feels. To be noticed...

But it is difficult. Especially when you can notice pain.

Today I woke up after 3 hours of sleep. Chelsea woke me up so I could take them to the dealership to drop off their new car. I went to work, driving in loop-de-loops. I came back to the house and noticed an erie stillness to the house. They were brooding. Over the car? No. Money? No. Over each other? Maybe over themselves...

I can make them smile but I don't know what else I can do. I listen, but I don't dare assert my most private thoughts. They seem to have hardly helped me, and I cannot imagine them helping anybody else. But isn't that what best friends are for?

Top 5 Responsibilities of Best Friends:

1. If they lose a bet, you always help them pay.
2. When they need a sweet treat, you make them a baker's dozen.
3. They pull you out of ditches, when the dirt roads become ice roads.
4. In nice dreams and in nightmares, they are always near.
5. When they forget the rest of the list, you remember it for them.

wander in the honeycomb

For the last time I stood on the shore of my dream. I caught her exposed and in the dark and the salt and the rain we were able to have one last intimate moment. Her breath was cool and her eyes were dark. I stood on the side of our road performing ceremony. I in clothes to keep my blood hot and my heart skipping beats. She hummed in the chords of the wood frogs, toads, and peepers. 

The wind so wide.

The fog so fine.

A palette very simple. 

A warm grey.

A party in purgatory.

A fond farewell.

She so dark.

She so blind.

Me, my love, and I

say goodbye

Then my mom drove me almost all the way back. All I can remember is setting my alarm and then laying down on the couch. I know there was so much more, but I have not had sleep enough to recall any of it. At least not now. 

Slowly I woke up. Passover was a bright day. But cold. I made it to dinner, and it was everything so much more than I expected. Fun, funny, flirts, and food. I made some bets, and lost. Made a date for trivia night. Not with anyone in particular, though I have to admit I did hope. Had plans for drinks after dinner, but they did not go according to plan. For the weekend's final twist, a comedic tragedy. Justin really let me have it. I don't know that I deserved it, but I am grateful anyways. I really value perspective, and do not feel I have ever had enough. I would like to feel very far away. I feel I am a stranger.

quickening days

Began insulating and installing drywall in the barn with my brother today. Very tired. Max and Chelsea came out at the end of the day after going to grey rock for veggies and pork. Went for a beautiful walk down to the trout stream in another of my dreamy places. The grass was so green, right where we were standing. Nicky came on the walk too. I would like to take her for more walks.